Nobody warns you properly. You have kids, and overnight the house gets louder and the nights get shorter. The two of you become a tag team on very little sleep.
I wouldn't trade it. I love being a dad. But I'll be honest. For a while there, the woman who made my pulse jump turned into the person I passed the baby to.
If that sounds familiar, this one's for you.
It's real, and it isn't just you
The first thing to know is that the knock is real, and it's normal.
Brian Doss and his colleagues followed 218 couples over the first eight years of marriage. The couples who had a baby showed a sudden drop in relationship quality after the birth, and it tended to stick around. Mums and dads dropped by similar amounts. Couples without kids slid too, just more gradually.
Desire takes a hit as well. A Canadian study from Natalie Rosen's research group compared first-time parents with couples who didn't have a new baby. The new parents reported lower desire and lower sexual satisfaction at three, six and twelve months after the birth. The gap narrowed by twelve months. Mums' desire stayed lower than their partners' the whole way through.
So if things went quiet after kids, you're not broken. You're a parent.
The trap: blaming the little ones
This is the trap I see in a lot of couples, and I've fallen into it myself. Bit by bit, the kids become the answer to every question.
Why are we so flat? The kids. Why don't we go out? The kids. Why did we stop flirting? The kids. After a while it isn't a phase any more. It's the whole story of your relationship.
That's a heavy load to put on small shoulders. And it's not really true.
My view, and it's my view, not a study: a warm, flirty relationship between the two of you is good for the whole house. Kids can feel when their parents like each other. Choosing her first doesn't take anything away from them.
What helps new mums most
There's a study here that every new dad should read.
Amy Muise, Natalie Rosen and colleagues looked at couples becoming parents. Being motivated to meet your partner's sexual needs was linked with better sexual and relationship satisfaction. But so was something else: being understanding when your partner isn't in the mood. For new mums, a partner who was understanding about not having sex went with better outcomes. For new dads, that link didn't show up.
Read that twice. The message she needs is both halves at once. I want you. And no pressure.
That's exactly what a card can say. It tells her she's still the most attractive woman in the house. It asks for nothing. She can smile, tuck it in her pocket and get on with the bath and the bottles. The want is noticed. The pressure is zero.
Make room in the chaos
You don't need a babysitter and a hotel to keep the heat alive. Those are lovely. They're also rare.
What you need is to stop waiting for the perfect quiet evening, because it isn't coming. Use the gaps you've got. The ten minutes after the last story. The kitchen while the pasta boils. Send her a message that isn't about nappies.
And when you can, do something new together. Arthur Aron and his colleagues found that couples who did a short new and exciting activity together felt better about their relationship than couples who did something routine. Later work by Amy Muise's team linked doing new things together with higher sexual desire in established couples. New doesn't need to mean expensive. A walk somewhere you've never been. A class. Cooking something ridiculous together after the kids are down.
Small, because small fits
With little kids, everything big gets cancelled. Small doesn't.
A card under her phone in the morning. One in the nappy bag, where she'll find it at the worst moment of the day. One in her car, tucked into the sun visor.
None of it takes more than a minute. All of it tells her the same thing. Under the noise and the mess and the tiredness, you still see her. You still want her.
Her body, after kids
One more thing, and it matters. From what I've seen, after pregnancy and birth plenty of women feel like strangers in their own bodies for a while.
That's exactly the time she needs to hear that you still find her beautiful. Not as a pep talk. As a fact, said plainly, again and again. You don't need to fix how she feels. You just need to keep showing her what you see.
Don't wait
The biggest mistake is putting it off. You tell yourself it'll get easier when they sleep through. Then when they're at school. Then when they're teenagers. There's always a reason to wait, and the habit of not bothering sets in fast.
So start now, mess and all. Let her feel it. Let the kids see two parents who still fancy each other.
She's still the most distracting thing in your house. Tell her.